


Itachi's New Little Brother

by TheComicCrafter



Category: Naruto
Genre: Brotherly Affection, Canon Compliant, Cooking, Food, Gen, Humor, Jealous Sasori, Pre-Shippuden
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-21
Updated: 2019-02-25
Packaged: 2019-11-01 21:46:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,128
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17875421
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheComicCrafter/pseuds/TheComicCrafter
Summary: After learning that his Akatsuki teammate Deidara is the same age as his little brother Sasuke, Itachi's older brother instincts drive him to start treating the artist as a younger sibling, much to Sasori's displeasure... and Kisame's amusement.





	1. Act Your Age

“I don’t want to go to the Hidden Mist!” Deidara whined. The blonde bomber sat at a large meeting table with his fellow Akatsuki members, at the head of which stood a warped projection of their mysterious leader.

“You must go there to fulfil your contract, Deidara,” their leader stated, his voice crackling like static. “Failure to do so may result in the client becoming suspicious of our organization.” Deidara sighed.

“I know, I know, hn,” he mumbled. “But it’s cold and wet there, and it messes up my clay…”

“Quit your whining, brat,” Sasori snapped, his glass eyes unblinking as he stared at his partner. “I’m not exactly fond of the weather either, but a job is a job.”

“I agree with Sasori,” Itachi spoke up, causing several of his teammates to look in his direction; the Uchiha usually didn’t speak unless spoken to.

“And what is that supposed to mean, hn?” Deidara asked, glaring.

“I mean that you should stop acting like a child,” Itachi replied calmly, taking a sip of his tea.

“It’s not entirely the little brat’s fault,” Kisame pointed out to his partner, “he’s only fourteen, after all.”

“Fifteen, Kisame my man,” Deidara corrected smugly. Itachi raised an eyebrow but continued sipping his tea before finally pausing and setting the cup down.

“I was unaware that Deidara was so young,” he mused, his voice level and emotionless as always.

“Hey, I’m right he-” the artist in question started before being silenced by their leader glaring at him. He sank down into his chair; the fact that their leader could see them even though he was just projecting an image of himself from somewhere else was unnerving.

“We have other matters to discuss, gentlemen,” the projection spoke, drawing all attention back to him. “Kakuzu, I need an update on our current financial status.” The quintuple-hearted bounty hunter pulled out a clipboard with several papers attached to it and began flipping through them.

“Our profits so far have increased since last month,” he growled in his usual gravelly voice, “though my partner’s bungling cost us several bounties.”

“Hey, don’t you go blaming that on me!” Hidan yelled, slamming his fist down on the table. “Jashin wanted a sacrifice, if you don’t like it you can take it up with him, you greedy bastard!” Kakuzu glanced at the angered cultist for a moment and went back to reviewing the financial report.

“Itachi and Kisame have completed the most missions so far this month,” he continued, “while Zetsu has completed zero.”

“It’s not my fault, I just get distracted…” the carnivorous plant man’s white half complained, while his black half fired back: “It’s always your fault, you idiot.” As the meeting dragged on, with each member giving a report of their contributions for the month, Itachi found his gaze wandering back to Deidara; he had always known that the blonde bomber was younger than the others, but he had assumed that he was at least eighteen or so considering the crimes he had committed. Fifteen made him about as old as Sasuke was right now…

“Itachi! Itachi, hn!” The Uchiha was brought out of his musings by Deidara yelling to get his attention.

“What is it, Deidara?” he asked.

“Stop staring at me,” the artist replied. “It’s creepy.” Itachi nodded respectfully and turned back to their leader. He had been half-listening the whole time, so he still knew what they were talking about and was able to comment on his own performance when called on, mentioning his team’s efficiency and low kill count. Kisame backed up his statements with a shark-like grin. Finally, after another hour of discussion, their leader folded his hands behind his back, a signal that he was about to wrap up.

“Excellent work all of you,” he remarked, sweeping his gaze across the gathering. “You are dismissed. We will meet again on the first of next month to discuss our progress.” The various Akatsuki members stood up and bowed, though Kakuzu had to force Hidan to do so, and the projection vanished.

“Kakuzu, you jerk!” Hidan snapped, wriggling out of his partner’s grip. “You know I only bow to Lord Jashin!”

“You’re part of the Akatsuki now,” Kakuzu growled. “Your allegiance should be to our leader first and foremost.” Itachi almost smiled at that remark; for a group of master criminals, his teammates still had no idea he was there to keep an eye on them…

“He has a point, Hidan!” Zetsu’s white half remarked cheerily. “Trust us, you don’t want to make our leader angry,” the black half added. Hidan glared at them and stormed off, presumably to let off some steam by performing another ritual. One by one, the rest of the group trickled out of the meeting room to go about their business. As Deidara left the room, he shot one last quick glance at Itachi, who simply smiled that signature smug-looking smile of his.

“So, what’s up with you, Itachi?” Kisame asked as his partner stood up. “Don’t tell me you’re actually worried about Deidara; the kid can take care of himself, you know.”

“I know, I simply wasn’t aware that he was so young,” Itachi responded, though in the back of his mind he could feel his older brother instincts starting to kick in…

 

When Deidara entered the hideout’s shared kitchen the next morning, he was greeted by Itachi, who was already sitting at the table, sipping another cup of tea. The artist silently cursed the Uchiha for being such an early riser and started rummaging through the cupboards looking for his favorite cereal. As his teammate searched, a thought occurred to Itachi and he cleared his throat.

“Deidara, did you brush your teeth this morning?” he asked. The blonde bomber froze with his head still in the cupboard before turning to look at him.

“No, why?” he asked. Itachi simply shrugged and went back to sipping his tea. Deidara shook his head in confusion and returned to his quest, eventually locating his target and holding up the box triumphantly. He poured himself a bowl of the sugary flakes, grabbing some milk from the fridge and checking the expiration date before pouring that in too; Kakuzu had once left a carton of expired milk in the fridge rather than buy a new one, a fact no one noticed until Hidan tried to pour it into a glass and ended up getting a solid chunk of it. Whistling a tune, Deidara strolled over to the table and plopped into a chair, digging into his breakfast. Itachi eyed the frosting-covered flakes suspiciously. Perhaps shinobi eating habits weren’t considered as important in the Stone as they were in the Leaf? He reached for the fruit bowl in the center of the table, courtesy of Zetsu figuring out how to grow fruit trees and grabbed two oranges.

“Here, catch,” he called, tossing one of them to Deidara. The artist looked up just in time to see the citrus flying toward him and deftly caught it before glancing at Itachi.

“What was that for, hn?” he asked.

“A shinobi should always eat a balanced breakfast,” Itachi quipped, the motto having been bored into his head by his lessons at the academy. Deidara snorted.

“In case you haven’t noticed, we’re not exactly normal shinobi,” he replied. Itachi shrugged once more.

“And yet it still applies,” he added, and began peeling his orange. Deidara looked down at his cereal and sighed, scarfing down the rest of it before moving to mimic Itachi. Just then, Sasori entered the room, looking from his partner to Itachi and back again.

“What, did you put him in a genjutsu that convinced him he would die unless he ate something that wasn’t complete garbage for once?” he questioned, his jaw clicking as it moved. Itachi shook his head.

“I merely informed him of the benefits of eating a balanced breakfast,” he responded evenly, unaware of the fact that he sounded like a cereal mascot. Sasori watched as Deidara popped a slice of orange into his mouth and chewed unhappily, his mouth puckering slightly at the sour taste. It was times like these that made the puppet master glad he no longer had a need for food… or taste buds.

“Serves you right for that sweet tooth of yours,” he muttered.

 

“Hurry up, brat,” Sasori growled, stepping inside his Hiruko puppet. “We don’t want to be late for meeting our client.”

“I’m coming, I’m coming, hn,” Deidara grumbled, slipping on his Akatsuki robe. “The weather’s supposed to be terrible today, though…” As if in response to his complaints, Itachi stepped from the shadows, holding what looked like a winter coat. Before the artist could say a word, the Uchiha had slipped the warm garment over his robe and began buttoning it up. “Hey, let me go, hn!”

“Nonsense, it’s cold outside,” Itachi replied, ignoring his teammate’s struggle. “We don’t need one of our members getting sick because they didn’t dress warmly enough.” Sasori raised a single wooden eyebrow while Deidara opened his mouth to protest, but the Uchiha just smiled and poked the latter in the forehead with two fingers. “See you around.” The pair stared after the dark-haired man as he walked away, blinking.

“That was strange,” Sasori remarked, finishing clambering into Hiruko.

“Yeah…” Deidara trailed off, adjusting his coat; he had to admit, it was actually pretty warm…

 

Upon returning to the base, Deidara was soaked to the bone and he was covered in small nicks and scratches, while Sasori’s main body remained unharmed; the meeting with their client had turned out to be a trap in an attempt to collect the sizeable bounties put on both their heads. Normally it would have been an easy fight, but the poor weather conditions had made it an exhausting experience. Groaning, the blonde bomber slipped off the coat and his Akatsuki robe and made his way to the kitchen; hopefully Kakuzu had gotten that good tomato soup again, he needed something to warm him up.

The artist was greeted yet again by Itachi sitting at the kitchen table, sipping a cup of tea; he was starting to wonder just how much one man could drink. Maybe it was just an Uchiha thing.

“How did your mission go, Deidara?” The sudden question nearly made the blonde bomber jump out of his skin; he wasn’t used to Itachi being this chatty.

“Not great; turns out the bastard that hired us was just trying to get our bounties,” he replied, eyes lighting up as he spotted his soup. Standing on tip-toe to reach it, his sleeve slid down, revealing a number of scratches on his arm. In the blink of an eye, Itachi had grabbed his arm and was examining the injuries.

“Let me see those,” he muttered, pulling the sleeve further up to see the rest of the damage. Deidara squirmed.

“It’s fine, really,” he whined, but Itachi shook his head.

“We can’t let those cuts get infected,” he responded firmly. “It looks like lacerations from kunai and… needles?” Deidara winced; their client’s hired help had caught him off-guard by switching to throwing needles instead of kunai mid-battle. He watched as Itachi reached into the folds of his Akatsuki robe, which he never seemed to take off even when he wasn’t on missions and pulled out a box of adhesive bandages.

“Band-Aids?” he asked. “I’m not a kid anymore, can’t you just use regular bandages?”

“They’re just minor cuts, there’s no sense wasting bandages on them,” Itachi replied, opening the boxes and beginning to apply the Band-Aids one at a time. By the time the Uchiha was finished, Deidara’s arm looked like a sticker sheet, though it did feel better.

“Uh… thanks,” the artist mumbled awkwardly, pulling his sleeve back down and going back to reaching for his can of soup.

“Here, let me get that for you,” Itachi remarked, his height allowing him to simply grab the can and hand it to Deidara, who begrudgingly accepted it, grumbling to himself; stupid Uchiha, being taller than him… he didn’t need any help, he was just taking his time, that’s all!


	2. Got Milk?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Itachi's intervention forces Deidara to eat a healthy breakfast AND relinquish his favorite snack, he decides to go to the resident Uchiha expert for advice.

By the time Deidara got up the next morning, he had finally figured it out: The Uchiha was mocking him! He had heard how old he was and now he was treating him like a child! The blonde bomber growled, clenching his fists as he stormed down the hall. He wasn’t a child, he was a MAN! Men didn’t need help! A rumbling in his stomach momentarily distracted him; men did need food, though…

Upon entering the kitchen, the artist’s nostrils were filled with the intoxicating smell of bacon. He looked over to see Itachi at the stove, frying some sunny-side up eggs along with the delicious strips of meat. His stomach rumbled again, and the Uchiha smirked slightly.

“How many do you want?” he asked, gesturing at the eggs. Deidara fidgeted uncomfortably; he didn’t want to accept anything from Itachi, but it smelled really good…

“Just one,” he replied hesitantly.

“Are you sure?” Itachi added. Deidara felt his willpower shatter.

“Two… and some bacon,” he sighed, giving in to his hunger.

 

When Itachi set his plate down in front of him, Deidara frowned; he had gone so far as to draw a Sharingan on each egg with ketchup! He glanced up to see if the Uchiha was smiling again, mocking him, but to his surprise, the dark-haired man was calmly sipping more of his tea and reading a book. Noticing that he was being watched, Itachi looked up from his reading.

“Do you need anything else, Deidara?” he asked calmly. The artist looked back down at the two edible Sharingan staring him in the face and sighed.

“No,” he mumbled, picking up his fork and cutting into one of the eggs, letting the runny yolk spill out. Itachi shrugged and returned to his book while his teammate ate his breakfast. Deidara tried his best to find some fault with the meal, but eventually he gave up and admitted defeat; it was perfect.

 

After finishing his breakfast, the blonde bomber slid back in his chair and started to stand up when he noticed that Itachi had also set a glass of milk in front of him. He narrowed his eyes, glaring at the creamy white liquid; he had never liked milk, as far as he was concerned the only thing it was good for was as something for his cereal to float in. He had tried using water instead, but it didn’t taste right, plus the strange looks it got him just weren’t worth it.

“If you don’t drink your milk you won’t grow any taller,” the Uchiha commented, startling the artist. Deidara looked over at him suspiciously, the mention of his height having caught his attention.

“…Explain,” he asked, sitting back down. Itachi closed his book and sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose in exasperation.

“Honestly, what do they teach you in the Hidden Stone?” he muttered before turning to Deidara. “Milk contains calcium, which your body uses to build strong bones. If your body doesn’t get enough calcium, then your bones can’t grow, and neither can you.” The blonde bomber stared at the glass in front of him.

“…So, you’re saying that if I drink more milk, I’ll grow taller?” he repeated in a disbelieving tone. Itachi nodded.

“Yes, that is correct,” he affirmed. Deidara stared at the evil liquid for a moment longer, eyeing it with disdain, before picking up the glass and beginning to down its contents. It was at this time that Sasori chose to enter the room and was greeted once again by the sight of his partner seemingly taking care of his own health for once, while Itachi watched from a distance.

“Okay, this has to be a genjutsu,” the puppet master remarked. “I can never get the brat to listen when I tell him he needs more calcium.” Deidara set down his empty glass and sighed, wiping away his milk mustache on his sleeve.

“That’s because you’re an ass about it, hn,” he responded. “Besides, why do you care? You’re just a puppet now, you don’t need to eat.”

“Yes, but when I was human, I always ate my vegetables, drank my milk, and didn’t eat sugary crap every day, unlike you,” Sasori shot back. Deidara snorted.

“Yeah, whatever, hn,” he muttered, standing up from his chair. “Well, I’m going to go experiment with my art, see you around.” With that, the artist strolled out of the room, leaving his dirty dishes untouched, but before he could get very far, he heard Itachi call after him.

“Deidara, did you brush your teeth this morning?” he asked. The blonde’s head popped back into the doorway.

“No, why?” he responded. Itachi smiled again, that smug-looking Uchiha smile.

“You should do that,” he suggested. Deidara looked confused.

“O-Okay, I’ll do that…” he replied awkwardly, leaving the room a second time. Once he was satisfied that his partner was out of earshot, Sasori turned to Itachi.

“Alright, what is this about?” he questioned. “First there was that thing with the oranges and the coat yesterday, then the milk and tooth-brushing today… what are you trying to accomplish?”

“I am simply looking out for a teammate,” Itachi assured him. Before Sasori could question the dark-haired man’s motives any further, Kisame walked in, looking slightly confused.

“I just saw Deidara brushing his teeth, and I’ve only seen him do that on special occasions,” he said, gesturing over his shoulder. “Did someone tell him about the Tooth Shinobi?” Now it was Sasori’s turn to look confused.

“The Tooth Shinobi?” he repeated. “Don’t you mean the Tooth Fairy?” The shark-man shook his head.

“No, in the Hidden Mist, instead of the Tooth Fairy, we had the Tooth Shinobi,” he explained, “a vicious mystical warrior who brutally murders children if they don’t brush their teeth.” A sudden realization dawned on Sasori.

“Ah, so that’s why your teeth are always so shiny,” he commented. “I merely assumed that they fell out and grew back regularly like a shark’s.”

“Nope!” Kisame replied, grinning proudly. “I was so terrified of being killed in my sleep by the Tooth Shinobi that I brushed my teeth every day until they sparkled! Still do, in fact.”

 

Deidara glared at his reflection in the mirror, brushing angrily. Curse the Uchiha for treating him like a child, he didn’t need to be reminded to brush his teeth, or drink his milk, or go to bed! That kind of treatment was one of the reasons why he left the Hidden Stone, so he could be independent! Spitting in the sink as if he were spitting on Itachi’s grave, the blonde bomber vowed that from now on, he wouldn’t listen to a word his teammate said no matter what, so there! He even stuck his tongues out, all three of them including the ones in his hands, before remembering that he was the only one there.

 

The artist had been shaping and re-shaping his white detonating clay for several hours, trying to create a more aerodynamic exploding bird, when he felt his stomach start rumbling again. He tried to ignore it, knowing that if he tried to enter the kitchen, he’d probably get ambushed by Itachi again, but eventually he could no longer take it and set down his half-finished masterpiece.

Slipping stealthily down the hall, Deidara pressed himself against the doorway to the kitchen and peered around the corner. To his relief, the Uchiha was not sitting there sipping tea as usual, so he cautiously crept into the room. His footsteps made no sound, he was proud to say, as he made his way to his personal snack cupboard and opened the door. Within its shadowy depths lay the blonde bomber’s favorite spicy barbeque potato chips, available only from the Land of Fire. Standing on tiptoe, he reached and reached before finally snagging the edge of the bag with his fingertips and pulling it toward him.

“Itachi can’t keep you from me, my love,” he murmured, “now come to papa…” He opened the bag slowly so as not to alert anyone to his presence and popped a single chip into his mouth with a satisfying crunch. However, almost as soon as he bit down, he felt a dark presence behind him that almost made him choke.

“What are you doing, Deidara?” Itachi purred, his tone frighteningly calm.

“N-Nothing,” Deidara lied, reminding himself that he had nothing to fear as long as he didn’t look into the Sharingan eyes behind him. “Just getting a snack…”

“You weren’t planning on eating that entire bag of chips and going without lunch, were you?” the Uchiha asked, causing his teammate’s heartrate to rise; how did he know?

“N-Nope, just having a few!” Deidara laughed nervously, quickly eating two more delicious chips, then closing the bag and hastily shoving it back in the cupboard.

“Good,” Itachi replied, flashing that damn smile before walking over to his own personal cupboard and grabbing a box of tea bags. Deidara watched him go about making tea for a moment, looking for any signs of anger or annoyance at his actions, but as usual, he was impossible to read.

“W-Well, I’ll just be going, then,” he stuttered, inching his way toward the doorway. “S-See you later!” And with that the artist broke into a sprint until he was safely inside his room, away from whatever nutrition-related power the Uchiha held over him, but still very, very hungry.

 

“Kisame! Kisame! Kisame, hn!” Deidara hissed, rapping lightly on the blue shark-man’s door. “It’s me, Deidara, open up, hn!” After the dozenth or so knock, the room’s occupant eventually opened the door, looking down at the blonde bomber.

“What is it, little Deidara?” he cooed mockingly, letting out a sharp laugh. “Is this about Itachi babying you?” Deidara opened his mouth to speak, then closed it again, his eyes narrowed.

“How do you know about that?” he asked. “The only person who’s seen him doing that is Sasori, and say what you will about his art, my man doesn’t gossip.” The tall shark-man grinned a predatory grin, leaning against his doorway casually.

“I know almost everything there is to know about Itachi,” he replied, “including why he’s doing this to you… but I’ll never tell.”

“Gee, thanks a lot, hn,” Deidara drawled sarcastically. “Look, I just need some advice for how to deal with him, so are you going to help me or not?” Kisame stared down at his teammate for a moment before shrugging and crossing his arms.

“I don’t know, what’s in it for me?” he questioned with a gleam in his eye. The artist just sighed.

“I’ve got three bags of those gummy sharks you like hidden in my room,” he mumbled reluctantly. “You can have one of them.” The shark-man smiled wider until Deidara feared he might try to bite his head off.

“Make it two and you’ve got yourself a deal,” he responded, expecting a counteroffer from his sugar-loving teammate.

“…Fine,” Deidara relented, causing Kisame to raise his eyebrows in surprise.

“Wow, you’re really serious about this!” he remarked, sounding slightly impressed. “Alright, I’ll bite: What do you want to know?”

“For starters, how do I ignore him?” the blonde bomber asked. “Every time he asks me to do something, I’m afraid he’ll drag me into a genjutsu if I don’t listen to him!” Kisame leaned in to whisper into Deidara’s ear.

“I’ll let you in on a little secret,” he purred. “Despite his reputation, Itachi is all talk.” The artist pulled away, giving the shark-man a look that said, “you must be joking.” Kisame shook his head. “Not literally, obviously, but what I’m saying is that if you say no to him, at most he’ll just make a sarcastic comment about it, but he won’t actually do anything.”

“He won’t do anything?” Deidara repeated disbelievingly. “Itachi Uchiha, the man who singlehandedly slaughtered his entire clan in a single night, won’t so much as poison my drink if I just… tell him no? Forgive me if I don’t believe you.” The blue-skinned man shrugged.

“Suit yourself, it’s no skin off my fin,” he quipped. “You can either risk being trapped in a genjutsu and mentally tortured for three days straight or made to look like a fool in front of the entire Akatsuki for the rest of your miserable life. Either way, I expect those gummy sharks to be in my cupboard by tomorrow morning.” Deidara just blinked as the door was shut in his face, leaving him standing there speechless.

“Th-Three days… or the rest of my life…” he murmured. “Three days… or the rest of my life…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You'd better "believe it," it's another chapter! I got stuck on this one for a while before I settled on getting Kisame more involved, but now it's finished and I know where I'm going! Next time, Deidara tests out Sharky McChomp-Chomp's suggestion, which ends up backfiring horribly. Sasori couldn't care less even if he tried.
> 
> Also, I just realized that by making Deidara sensitive about his height and giving him an irrational hatred of milk, I have inadvertently turned him into an evil Edward Elric. They even have the same hair color!

**Author's Note:**

> In the middle of writing the My Hero Academia fanfic "Flip It and Reverse It," I've decided to branch out into another anime I'm a fan of, Naruto, with a fanfic featuring my favorite characters, the Akatsuki. They are the most interesting villains in the series, in my opinion, and the fact that they were killed off one by one still kinda pisses me off, hence why this story is set before any of them get taken out, as well as before Pain or Tobi were revealed. This was just a little idea I had in the middle of the night a few months back and I figured I'd get it down on paper, but let me know what you think! Next chapter... something happens! I don't know what yet, but I'm sure I'll think of something!


End file.
